Card Carrying Member

Having AJ has been awesome in more ways than I can count, but one side benefit that I didn't expect was the fact that I now have so much to talk about with so many people!  Anyone who saw me pregnant or heard about the baby asks about him (and oh my gosh, I always have so much to say!), and I can actively participate in conversations with others about their kids. I also feel more comfortable approaching other women with babies/children because I now know so many more relevant things to talk with them about.  All those years of watching the women in my neighborhood stand together and talk I never felt like I could mosey on over and join in.  Now when I take AJ out for a stroll, its natural to say hi. I even feel like I want to seek out other first time moms in the area with a child similar in age, because we always have questions!  Who am I??  Actually, I totally think that when you have your first baby, you should nominate a set of your already-baby-having friends and relatives to be on your Baby Advisory Board. A dedicated set of people whose opinions you respect, that have agreed to entertain your endless questions, musings, and worries, and impart their experiences.  Someone get on this.

(This blog post in no way endorses having a baby for the sole purpose of addressing social anxiety issues.)

There is a God

and he is good.

And he allowed AJ to earn to turn over onto his belly this weekend, which allows him to put himself to sleep like a CHAMP.  Sure sometimes his elbow gets stuck under him, or out the rails of the crib but these are minor details.  Oh, and he cant turn back onto his back yet either (turtle on his back = AJ on his belly) but we're working on that.  After a week of letting him cry it out, he's doing much better with sleeping.  Except when he misses a nap.  Overtired AJ is bad, bad, devilish news.

And another reason to give a high five to the Father, the Son , and the Holy Spirit today?  I'm wearing my favorite Ann Taylor khakis from before I was pregnant.  Wearing them out of the house, to work.  Hallelujah!

Peace out be with you!

fail

I've never been so afraid of failure as I am now that I'm a mom.  Every decision revolving around AJ seems monumental and life altering, and its pressure like I have never felt before.  Even though its self imposed, and I know that really everything is ok, its  still feels like a pressure cooker!

When I pack up and leave the office every day, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety about getting home in time to see him before he goes to bed.  When my days are busy and I don't have time to pump on my regular 3-4 hour schedule, I panic that all of a sudden I will have no more milk for him.  When he won't go to sleep and he just cries and cries, I worry that he wont get the rest he needs to grow, and that his late bedtime will screw up his naps the following day, and therefore cause Joe to have a harder day than he should. To name a few.

This week is the start of a very very busy season at work.  Tomorrow will be 3 days that I am overdue on a deadline for my boss, and I can't concentrate enough to get through the work that needs to be done.  In the scheme of things, I feel most apathetic to failing at work stuff right now.  This is not like me, but my concern for the other parts of my life, Joe and AJ, outrank anything I could do or not do for work right now.

This week we've begun the conversion of trying to get AJ to fall asleep on his own, instead of Joe and I rocking him until he falls asleep...which has been SOP since he was born.  While we love him falling asleep in our arms a) sometimes it takes a really long time b) he's getting heavy and c) he started to wake up every time we put him in his crib starting a very awful and lengthy cycle where none of use were sleeping.  Plus we know he is old enough now to do it.  For the most part, AJ is getting really good at going to sleep on his own, but I'm convinced that nothing makes you feel more like a failed parent (of a 4 month old) than hearing your baby cry and letting him.  I think we are past the worst part though.

In summary, I'm having a pretty hard time right now.  I've never been so afraid of failure as I am now that I'm a mom, and we're only through 4 months.  Plus, I feel like I have PMS x 10 which would be icing on the cake that no one in my household needs!

Dipping my toe in

September 22, 2009 was the last time I ran.  That was the run where the pain in my hip made it more obvious than ever that I needed time off.  The following several months were filled with doctors appointments, anti-inflammatories and a lot of disappointment when the verdict was that I shouldn't run anymore.

June 2010 is when I found out I was pregnant, and as pregnancy progressed two things happened:  Physically, it was clear that my body was not going to allow me to work out vigorously as it grew.  Mentally, I felt invincible and convinced myself that if I can grow a person (miracle of miracles) then someday I could try running again.

June 4, 2011 I made it a point to finally get out for a walk.  Exercise had been non-existent for so long, and the craving to strap on my ipod and watch and try to elevate my heart rate, in combination with a sleeping baby, made for the perfect opportunity.  So I ventured out for a few laps around our Circle, aiming for 30 minutes.  It felt great.  And I didn't want to push it, but I got curious, and wanted to dip my toe in.  So, for 60 seconds I started to run.  Ok, jog. Ok, it might have been just a faster walk with some bounce to it.  But I did it for 60 seconds, walked for 60 seconds and then did it again.  Pain free, I quit while I was ahead.  2 minutes total of something like a distant second cousin of running.

And the  next day I did it again, but on the second day it was 6 minutes total interspersed with walking.  My hip still feels ok, my back doesn't hurt, but I was feeling some pain like weak pregnancy muscles...odd tiredness around my incision scar.  Nothing major, probably just some stretched out muscles and ligaments that had been roused from their slumber.  Still to be safe, again I quit while I was ahead, and today I rest.

Its too early to be excited, or to know whether I will ever break into a comfortable stride again, or run the local 10k that I've had my eye on since we moved in 7 years ago.  But it feels good to know I at least tried again, and lived to tell about it.  I've been trying to get my mind back to where it was SO many years ago when I started exercising.  Before it was a daily part of my day it was a very Govt-guideline sounding 3-4 times per week which was "good enough".  Thats all that fits right now, and thats finally ok.

Money makes the world go round

I haven't been to the ATM since February.  Amazing but true.  Since AJ was born and I barely left the house I guess I didn't need money.  Then I came back to work and I have been very diligent about bringing breakfast lunch and a snack each day, no need to take money out.  Plus I have a stash of change in my drawer that I use to buy coffee.  Ridiculous amounts of decaf coffee.

Anyway, today I didn't pack lunch.  I was up late last night and didn't have any food made so I figured I'd just wing it today and buy some food in the cafeteria for lunch.  I brought my breakfast, and a snack of 3 gigantic strawberries.  Lunchtime came, and when I opened my wallet it was like the cartoons where moths fly out.  Nada.  I managed to find a single dollar bill in one of my desk drawers, so I now had $1 and 3 strawberries.

No problem though, work has an ATM so I could just take some money out.  Or, rather, I could if my ATM card hadn't expired in February.  WHAT????  ATM cards expire?  Apparently they do, and mine expired almost 4 months ago.  Ooops.  Ok, back to $1 and 3 strawberries.

I called the bank to see about getting a new one, and I can.  It will be here in 10 days.  Ten days.  I think I can buy a gun faster than I can get a replacement ATM card.

The moral of this story is: when I don't pack my lunch there is trouble. And, shopping for everything on Amazon only gives you the illusion that you are not spending money.