A Tale of Two Pumps

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.  Well, not the worst, but perhaps, the "busiest" of times at least.  Yesterday in work I was booked solid with meetings from 9:30am through 3:30pm.  My typical routine now that I am down to pumping 3x per day, is to pump just once while in work, at around 2 pm.  Yesterday's schedule was looking like it would make that quite difficult.  Much to my delight, My 1pm meeting ended half an hour early, so at 1:30 I took advantage and went off to seek pump time in the room I have been using since I came back to work.
I was so happy that this worked out. You see,  earlier in the week for the first time, I totally forgot to pump at all during the day.  When I realized this via significant discomfort as I was stuck in a 5-6pm meeting, there was really nothing I could do about it until after, and I certainly didn't want a repeat of that day as I am still suffering some uncomfortable consequences of that.
So I pumped, and finished up just in time to go to my 2pm meeting without even stopping back at my desk-- since I am the only one who uses that room to pump right now, and it locks, I leave all of my stuff in there until the end of the day when I routinely retrieve it.

Well 5:15pm comes and I'm ready to pack up.  I open my desk drawer to get my key to the pump room and...no key.  Cue heart sinking and panic setting in.  I review the day in my head...I went straight from pumping to my next meeting, didn't drop the key off in my office.  OMG.  Pump+milk+KEY is locked in the room.  I then proceeded to stalk the building in search of anyone else who I knew/I hoped might have the key.  HR, already gone.  Building Services (who I KNOW has spares) already gone.  Receptionist, no key.  Cleaning people, no key.

Defeat.

My options at this point were:
- Wait until tomorrow morning to pump when I could get back here and find someone to give me the spare key.  Ok, not really an option since if I didnt pump for 19 hours I'd probably explode.
-Pump with my manual pump, one side at a time.  Oooof, I dont even know if it would work anymore, I only used to use it for a little 'help' before nursing AJ in the first few months.  Maybe it wouldnt be strong enough now.
-Buy a new pump.  Well at $300 a pop for the one I have, also not a great option.

In the end, I went to Buy Buy Baby and bought a single electric pump so at least I could plug it in, for a considerably cheaper price.  Further rationalized by the notion that I can take it to Vegas with me instead of lugging my big one.  But when I got home I decided to give the manual one a whirl anyway, and what do you know, while it was slower for sure, it got the job done.  Lots of panic and being near tears for the night (I had a dinner to go to after work of course) but it all worked out.

This morning though, I did have to venture back to building services  to ask for the spare key.  Having to ask men for a key to the nursing room makes me automatically think they are looking at my boobs, or will look at my boobs every time I see them from now on.  And I'm pretty sure it  true.  But I got the key, am reunited with my own key, and my pump, and yesterdays milk stash.  Phew.

Excellence

I got a very nice surprise in work last week.  My boss had nominated me and I was selected for our company's 'award for excellence'.  The award is given quarterly and is designed to recognize contributions and achievements over time.  It came with a physical award that I can keep on my desk, and a few other nice things, like a very nice write up on our company's intranet.  I feel very flattered that I received it, and was probably blushing and shaking with the president presented it to me.  This experience also showed me very clearly how bad I am at taking compliments.  ("SEE??" says Joe)

I think what I am in most disbelief about is the timing of it.  I received this in a year that has been my most challenging yet, life wise.  When balance has become my new goal and I practically race out of the building at the end of the day for a chance to see AJ before bedtime.  I'm not trying to succeed any less, but I certainly have a different sense of priorities, understandably.  I've been very lucky that, while returning to work has meant sacrifices (in time), it hasn't been unmanageable so far.  Busy weeks are tempered by less busy weeks, most of the time.  Working late several days in a row usually means then working from home several days in a row if I can.

I hope that the balance I have found over the past 6 months is something I will be able to continue, since every day AJ is becoming more and more of a little person.  This morning Joe merely put his jacket on and AJ started to wave bye-bye!  And he has started to be able to identify objects "AJ go get the cup" and he gets it!  He also says "cah" repeatedly .  We have no idea what it means.  First we thought it was 'cat' since he says it when he looks at his books.  Then we thought it was 'cup' since he can get his cup.  But frankly he says 'cah' at just about every object in the house, so we're just going with it :-)  More than anything I hope that someday, with all of the juggling and balancing that is a necessary evil, AJ would also give me an award for mommy excellence.   I can't imagine feeling more successful than that.

The Hangover

Today I am sporting a fierce 4 day weekend hangover.  Not from overindulging (or indulging at all) in spiked cider this Thanksgiving weekend, but from 4 glorious uninterrupted days with my little sweetie, and after 4 days of all-AJ-all-the-time I am missing him like crazy.  When the nanny came this morning, he wasn't exactly resistant, but he also didn't crawl to her with the same vigor that he would on a normal week.

This weekend was also fun because we got to see AJ in so many new situations-- at a big Thanksgiving dinner table--where he was almost the loudest one, around other babies--where we stopped him before he could crawl on top of his adorable, but unsuspecting little friend, and at a Christmas 'fair' type thing where 40 Christmas trees nor Santa himself could impress him!  So much fun to watch him have these new experiences, and I wish I could introduce him to things like that each and every day.

Has it gotten easier for me since I came back to work in May?  Somewhat.  Some days I do what I need to do like clockwork, but days like today I still worry.  About whether he will go down for his naps ok, whether he will want to be held all day, whether she will recognize the new 'games' he likes to play, like 'roll the tangerine across the room' or 'keep dropping the rubber blocks on the tile'.  Those are my favorites too :-)

Baby I'm Amazed

AJ is 9 months old.  He is now as old as it took to make him!  Its no exaggeration that I am amazed at him every day, and months 7-9 have really been incredible.  Just in the past few weeks he has become even more communicative.  He mimics us, he does "SO BIG!", he waves bye-bye, and today my heart nearly melted when he gave me a kiss!  Well, a "kiss" to AJ is opening his mouth and putting it on my cheek, but still, we have a tiny human who responds with this action when I say "give mommy a kiss" and that totally blows my mind.  

Some days I just look at him and think that I don't know what I have done in my life to deserve such happiness.  Though I can recall the actions that filled mine and Joe's days before AJ came along, I can't recall what it was like to not feel this love that now overflows my heart.  When I get this way, I swear that the sappy pregnancy hormones never actually left me, but I think thats part of what makes a mom a mom. 

I just can't wait to see what is next!

weekend warriors

What a weekend!  After a full week of dinner meeting for work, I successfully re-introduced myself to AJ this weekend, and it was so much fun!   I realize every day what a good kid he is, and it makes me nervous about any future babies; we can't possibly get this lucky twice!

I had been absolutely dreading turning the clocks back.  It was not uncommon for AJ to start stirring in the morning by 6am, which would mean after time changes that our day would start at 5am.  Well, we survived so far.  The day was a little off, but this morning he woke up at 5:45, which, all things considered really wasn't the worst that could have happened.  This weekend we also saw our first tooth!  Its just barely through his gum, but its there, and he's feeling it.  He doesn't appear to be in too much pain, but um, I wasn't aware of the very scary so much drool that he's CHOKING on it!  When he is laying on his back while I'm changing him, he could do voiceovers for Darth Vader, his breathing sounds so awful because its just so gooey in there.  A few times he has just started coughing and choking while playing because it goes down the wrong pipe.  Poor kid.

He also has laser like focus on any item that he knows he is not supposed to have.  The remote, the phone, his monitor, the fan, wires, paper, plants, shoes---  oh my gosh he is fascinated by shoes.  I know this makes it sound like I have not childproofed one square foot of my home, but we have.  Its just that when we're holding him and walking around, he spots one of these and tries to lunge out of our arms for it.  His favorite activity of all though, is taking two of his plastic stacking rings-- one in each hand, and crawling (rings in hand) ove rto the tile par of the floor, and then repeatedly throwing the rings onto the floor.  Crawl, throw, find, throw, find, throw.  He loves the sound it makes!  I'm not sure if its a coincidence that our tenant has let us know she will be moving out by the end of the year....

In addition to chasing speedy gonzales and mopping up drool puddles, the other physical activity I actually managed this weekend was yoga.  I had gotten a Groupon for a new Bikram place that opened up nearby and finally got to use it.  Before getting pregnant and before hurting my hip,  I was doing Bikram a few times a week for about 6 months.  I was finally getting pretty good at most of the poses and tolerating the heat.  It had been about a year and a half since my last class and oh man... today I can barely move.  Picking up AJ was like a feat of superhuman strength since turning over in bed practically took a miracle.  I'll be aiming for 2x a week now.  It felt really amazing to do something physical again.  And like always with Bikram I leave class feeling an amazing balance of having gotten my butt kicked and having just woken up from a very restful nap.  I'm not sure it would be my preferred activity if I had all the choice in the world, but it will work for me for now.

And now, its back to work, where hopefully someone will bring me lunch so I don't have to alarm my hamstrings and actually get up out of my chair.

What Success Means To Me

Did you ever have to write that essay in school about What Success Means to You?  I think we all had to write that.  I'm not going to write about success today.  Today I am going to write about what "Gross" means to me.  What I realized from motherhood is that my definition of "gross"-- much like one's definition of success-- has changed significantly over time.  Specifically in the past 8 months.  No, make that the last 17 months.

The thing is, I don't know what is actually gross anymore.  Its really hard to gross me out these days.  Ok moldy food will still do it every time, but I realized that since pregnancy began and AJ was born, there is really very little that makes me say "ew".

Here are some things that I cannot believe I now find even marginally acceptable:

• When I leave the house to run an errand and realize I have a spit up stain on my shoulder.  
• And then keep going.
• Wiping drool off of AJs chin/face/hands/clothes with my bare hands
• And then wiping it on my clothes
• Literally picking the boogers out of his nose when there is a crusty one stuck to the edge
• Describing "crusty boogers" stuck to the edge of a nose
• The very many--and precise-- adjectives I use to describe poop. 
• In public
• Not necessarily using my inside voice
• The long drip of milk that has dried on AJs wall next to his glider that I keep forgetting to wash off.

These things are just part of life now, and I can't not smile at them.  And aside from my clothes not looking so pristine, and the fact that you may not want to shake my hand anymore, I guess I figure, he is a baby, how yucky can his stuff really be? Some day he will be move into real boyhood, with dirt and worms and smelly [insert sport here] gear.  And then I think I will have a new definition of gross once again.

AJ was here

I have the legs of a 7 year old.  I literally think that 7 year old Danielle actually had FEWER bruises on her legs than I do now, and that's saying something because I was one clumsy kid.  From the knees down, my shins are littered with black and blues in various stages of purple.  I guess this is from crawling around on the floor with AJ and accidentally landing on his toys.
The best, though, are the tiny almost perfectly circular bruises that I have on my upper thighs.  One might wonder how one gets tiny almost perfectly circular bruises on one's upper thighs...  My son has very pointy toes and he loves to stand up when he is on my lap.
I still feed him in the glider, which sits next to a window.  After he is about 80% done with each bottle he takes a little break.  On his break he climbs up mommy and stands, toes pointed, on my lap, his little arms perched on the windowsill.  Its adorable really.  He gets into that position then smiles like a proud little monkey and he bang bang bangs his hands on the windowsill and the window.  He stares at the trees, maybe he sees a little of his reflection too.  Bottom line, he loves it and the kid seriously thinks he can walk.  I keep asking him, as he gets fingerprints all over the window, if he is planing his escape route.  I'm on to you little buddy!

Am I alone in this?

Do other moms forget to pee?  Because I seriously can go all day without peeing, especially on busy AJ filled weekends.  Its like I'm hopping from one thing to the next, ignoring critical body signals like hunger, thirst, and bladder relief.  Then he goes to sleep and I'm like holy moly I'm about to explode.  I can't be the only one.

Nothing is Wrong aka People are Idiots

Whoa, time flies when you are working full time and have a rapidly growing adorable baby boy!  Lets see, to sum up:

-I did not lose any milk in Hurricane Irene, despite a few hours without power.  Mother Nature must have breastfed.
-AJ is now sleeping through the night.  All of a sudden he just started to do it.  We went with it (obviously) and lovingly accept the fact that he is an early bird (likes to wake up for 6am).  I am dreading changing the clocks, but for now, we enjoy.
-I am about to leave on my first work trip in about a year.  My first trip away from my little boy.  ooof.  Just when he is starting to reach for me and hug me and hang on me... I will even miss him biting my chin for the next 4 days!

AJ's rate of growth and change is ever-quickening.  He knows the "light" now... he doesn't say it but he can identify it.  He claps hands.  I swear the other day he laid a random sock on his foot as if to say it belongs there.  Which is funny because he spends most of the time trying to take his socks off.  He enthusiastically eats all the fruits and veggies that we've tried with him.  He even loves peas.  His hair is a light light brown, and his eyes seem to be stuck on hazel.   Most people lately think he looks more like Joe.  The birthmark on his hand is getting lighter and lighter.  I'm glad for that, mainly because it bothers me when people say "Whats wrong with his hand?"

Nothing is wrong with his hand.  His hand works perfectly.  In fact I find it extra cute when he holds an object in his hand and explores it by doing this circular wrist movement that must take the coordination of a million little baby muscle fibers.  So I wish people would stop making it sound like his hand is about to fall off. Its a birthmark.  It will fade, maybe even disappear, but nothing is wrong with his hand.

I can't decide if that question bothers me more or less than when people say "does he have a tattoo?".  I wish I were kidding.  More than one ADULT has said this.  Yes.  Yes, indeed we took our infant over to Twisted Souls Tattoo on Main St. and got him some ink.

These are allegedly educated adults.  Some of which are parents, so I would think they'd have some level of particular sensitivity.  AJ isn't old enough to have his feelings hurt, but I worry about how mean kids are in school.  Maybe not right away, but eventually the mean develops.  I recognize that school is over 4 years away, so wasting worry on this is probably not the most effective use of my worry hours.  But I look at that little face and those cheeks and that dimple and all I ever want is for him to be as happy as he is when he wakes up from a nap and we go in to greet him.  Imagine we all woke up that happy every day?  That would be awesome.

Dear Irene

Dear Irene,

If you do indeed barrel up the coast and hit Long Island (which I am still not convinced will happen, but it does make for lots of media fodder) and we lose electricity, and the ample milk supply that is currently frozen solid in my freezer spoils, you will be responsible for my death.  I trust you do not want that on your Category whatever conscience.

All the best,
Danielle

Just a crush

You may or may not know that ever since she was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, I've had a total girl-crush on Brooke Burke.  If you've seen her, you may not believe that she has had children.  What a rock star.  Anyway, she also has a blog all about mom stuff.  And today she posted this which I thought was just really sweet.  A week or so after AJ was born I told Joe that I didn't realize how much he loved me until we had AJ.  Our whole world changed, especially how we look at each other.  We've grown closer every day since we've become parents, and I know we are lucky because thats not always the case.

The Art Of A Good Marriage

Wilferd Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end
with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

Details

We just returned from a great family vacation, where AJ got to spend lots of time with his grandparents and uncles and aunt, and of course with Joe and I.  What a treat it was for me to be around him day in and day out for an entire 9 days!  Total heaven.  As a result, yesterday coming back to work was a little harder than usual.  When I got home last night I realized how big he really is getting and how much more expressive and full of personality he is becoming now that he is almost 6 months old.  There are the physical differences-- he's taller (longer?), his hair is almost all grown in, he has great control over his hands and arms and grabs at EVERYTHING now-- and the personality differences-- he knows what he wants  (to be held) and what he doesn't want (pears, bananas, squash) and he will let you know it!  He is really transitioning into a little person, our little person.

Our nanny starts today.  A week home with Joe before he goes back to work so that she can  learn our routine and get to know AJ better.  Today I think Joe realized what kind of a transition this is going to be for him, and he is sad.  Which is in turn making me sad all over again for him and for me.  It was one thing to leave every day and know AJ was home with his dad.  Now, at this expressive and fun age we are turning responsibility over to someone else.  I feel like the hours in a day just shrunk even more, as Joe and I will both be rushing home at night to get some precious limited time with our little guy.

In thinking about this I realized how many of the women I know are actually stay at home moms.  The raw number is not high but as a percentage of total women with kids that I'm friends with, it is high.  The grass is always greener, I'm sure, and calculating it out for the 200th time wouldn't change the fact that its financially pretty impossible for one of us to stay home.  I am also jealous of the Canadians, since I learned that standard practice there is a one year maternity leave (but they also have Justin Beiber, so I guess we break even).

When I envisioned having kids, I didn't know enough to think about the little things that would make me smile on a daily basis.  Like AJ becoming so adept at eating rice cereal, noticing how his reaction to his reflection in the mirror has changed over time, and noticing when he notices something new, like shadows.  I never thought of the details and certainly never imagined the pure joy that is buried in them.  Everything else seems unimportant, as evidenced by my writing this at my desk at work when my to-do list is multiple pages.

And now I have to go make myself look presentable for a meeting I have in 20 minutes.  AJ didn't get my ugly crying genes, thankfully!

Mrs. Doubtfire

We just got off the phone with our nanny to be! After about 100 applications, 7 phone interviews, 4 in person meetings, and approximately 7,531 questions from Joe, we have hired a wonderfully enthusiastic and capable woman who will be watching AJ once Joe returns to work.  Friends of ours who have been through this process several times had told us that finding a nanny is very much about chemistry and if you don't 'feel it' don't go for it.  Everything seems right with the person we chose.  And I am so happy that this daunting task is finished!  I think AJ will like her a lot, and I think it will really help me feel relieved while I am at work during the day.

Speaking of work, I am sending up the white flag of surrender.  The past 2 weeks have been CRAZY and there is no end in sight.  I've gotten reassurance from my boss that he does not feel like I have let anything slip...plus it is just so nice to be asked how I am doing with everything.  I am effectively projecting an illusion of having it all together.

What I am failing miserably at is anything resembling physical activity.  Since my last run,  with was a major fail, I have not done a thing, and have been drowning my sorrows in carbs.  Not good.  I'll be back up to delivery weight if this keeps up :)

Not kidding

So after making 58 chocolate lollipops last weekend, and consuming probably 58 tablespoons of melted chocolate in the process, it was time to get out for some physical activity.  Last night I managed to squeeze in a walk/run after work, in addition to my normal after work activities (AJ playtime, bath, bottle, bed, washing bottles, making bottles, pumping).  I went out, walked for 5 minutes and then alternated each minute between a walk and a slow jog.  I kept that up for 20 minutes.  It obviously wasn't very vigorous because I don't think I was short of breath the entire time (and I'm sure its not because I am cardiovascularly fit right now).

And I woke up today feeling like my left hip is going to crack.  And my lower back is in knots on the same side.  So, despite my year and 10 months off of running and hallucinations of pregnancy invincibility, as it turns out the orthopedic surgeon actually wasn't kidding when he said I shouldn't run anymore.

Grumblegrumblegrumble.

Card Carrying Member

Having AJ has been awesome in more ways than I can count, but one side benefit that I didn't expect was the fact that I now have so much to talk about with so many people!  Anyone who saw me pregnant or heard about the baby asks about him (and oh my gosh, I always have so much to say!), and I can actively participate in conversations with others about their kids. I also feel more comfortable approaching other women with babies/children because I now know so many more relevant things to talk with them about.  All those years of watching the women in my neighborhood stand together and talk I never felt like I could mosey on over and join in.  Now when I take AJ out for a stroll, its natural to say hi. I even feel like I want to seek out other first time moms in the area with a child similar in age, because we always have questions!  Who am I??  Actually, I totally think that when you have your first baby, you should nominate a set of your already-baby-having friends and relatives to be on your Baby Advisory Board. A dedicated set of people whose opinions you respect, that have agreed to entertain your endless questions, musings, and worries, and impart their experiences.  Someone get on this.

(This blog post in no way endorses having a baby for the sole purpose of addressing social anxiety issues.)

There is a God

and he is good.

And he allowed AJ to earn to turn over onto his belly this weekend, which allows him to put himself to sleep like a CHAMP.  Sure sometimes his elbow gets stuck under him, or out the rails of the crib but these are minor details.  Oh, and he cant turn back onto his back yet either (turtle on his back = AJ on his belly) but we're working on that.  After a week of letting him cry it out, he's doing much better with sleeping.  Except when he misses a nap.  Overtired AJ is bad, bad, devilish news.

And another reason to give a high five to the Father, the Son , and the Holy Spirit today?  I'm wearing my favorite Ann Taylor khakis from before I was pregnant.  Wearing them out of the house, to work.  Hallelujah!

Peace out be with you!

fail

I've never been so afraid of failure as I am now that I'm a mom.  Every decision revolving around AJ seems monumental and life altering, and its pressure like I have never felt before.  Even though its self imposed, and I know that really everything is ok, its  still feels like a pressure cooker!

When I pack up and leave the office every day, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety about getting home in time to see him before he goes to bed.  When my days are busy and I don't have time to pump on my regular 3-4 hour schedule, I panic that all of a sudden I will have no more milk for him.  When he won't go to sleep and he just cries and cries, I worry that he wont get the rest he needs to grow, and that his late bedtime will screw up his naps the following day, and therefore cause Joe to have a harder day than he should. To name a few.

This week is the start of a very very busy season at work.  Tomorrow will be 3 days that I am overdue on a deadline for my boss, and I can't concentrate enough to get through the work that needs to be done.  In the scheme of things, I feel most apathetic to failing at work stuff right now.  This is not like me, but my concern for the other parts of my life, Joe and AJ, outrank anything I could do or not do for work right now.

This week we've begun the conversion of trying to get AJ to fall asleep on his own, instead of Joe and I rocking him until he falls asleep...which has been SOP since he was born.  While we love him falling asleep in our arms a) sometimes it takes a really long time b) he's getting heavy and c) he started to wake up every time we put him in his crib starting a very awful and lengthy cycle where none of use were sleeping.  Plus we know he is old enough now to do it.  For the most part, AJ is getting really good at going to sleep on his own, but I'm convinced that nothing makes you feel more like a failed parent (of a 4 month old) than hearing your baby cry and letting him.  I think we are past the worst part though.

In summary, I'm having a pretty hard time right now.  I've never been so afraid of failure as I am now that I'm a mom, and we're only through 4 months.  Plus, I feel like I have PMS x 10 which would be icing on the cake that no one in my household needs!

Dipping my toe in

September 22, 2009 was the last time I ran.  That was the run where the pain in my hip made it more obvious than ever that I needed time off.  The following several months were filled with doctors appointments, anti-inflammatories and a lot of disappointment when the verdict was that I shouldn't run anymore.

June 2010 is when I found out I was pregnant, and as pregnancy progressed two things happened:  Physically, it was clear that my body was not going to allow me to work out vigorously as it grew.  Mentally, I felt invincible and convinced myself that if I can grow a person (miracle of miracles) then someday I could try running again.

June 4, 2011 I made it a point to finally get out for a walk.  Exercise had been non-existent for so long, and the craving to strap on my ipod and watch and try to elevate my heart rate, in combination with a sleeping baby, made for the perfect opportunity.  So I ventured out for a few laps around our Circle, aiming for 30 minutes.  It felt great.  And I didn't want to push it, but I got curious, and wanted to dip my toe in.  So, for 60 seconds I started to run.  Ok, jog. Ok, it might have been just a faster walk with some bounce to it.  But I did it for 60 seconds, walked for 60 seconds and then did it again.  Pain free, I quit while I was ahead.  2 minutes total of something like a distant second cousin of running.

And the  next day I did it again, but on the second day it was 6 minutes total interspersed with walking.  My hip still feels ok, my back doesn't hurt, but I was feeling some pain like weak pregnancy muscles...odd tiredness around my incision scar.  Nothing major, probably just some stretched out muscles and ligaments that had been roused from their slumber.  Still to be safe, again I quit while I was ahead, and today I rest.

Its too early to be excited, or to know whether I will ever break into a comfortable stride again, or run the local 10k that I've had my eye on since we moved in 7 years ago.  But it feels good to know I at least tried again, and lived to tell about it.  I've been trying to get my mind back to where it was SO many years ago when I started exercising.  Before it was a daily part of my day it was a very Govt-guideline sounding 3-4 times per week which was "good enough".  Thats all that fits right now, and thats finally ok.

Money makes the world go round

I haven't been to the ATM since February.  Amazing but true.  Since AJ was born and I barely left the house I guess I didn't need money.  Then I came back to work and I have been very diligent about bringing breakfast lunch and a snack each day, no need to take money out.  Plus I have a stash of change in my drawer that I use to buy coffee.  Ridiculous amounts of decaf coffee.

Anyway, today I didn't pack lunch.  I was up late last night and didn't have any food made so I figured I'd just wing it today and buy some food in the cafeteria for lunch.  I brought my breakfast, and a snack of 3 gigantic strawberries.  Lunchtime came, and when I opened my wallet it was like the cartoons where moths fly out.  Nada.  I managed to find a single dollar bill in one of my desk drawers, so I now had $1 and 3 strawberries.

No problem though, work has an ATM so I could just take some money out.  Or, rather, I could if my ATM card hadn't expired in February.  WHAT????  ATM cards expire?  Apparently they do, and mine expired almost 4 months ago.  Ooops.  Ok, back to $1 and 3 strawberries.

I called the bank to see about getting a new one, and I can.  It will be here in 10 days.  Ten days.  I think I can buy a gun faster than I can get a replacement ATM card.

The moral of this story is: when I don't pack my lunch there is trouble. And, shopping for everything on Amazon only gives you the illusion that you are not spending money.

Moo

So one of the challenges of coming back to work was going to be how and whether breastfeeding would survive.  In my typical fashion, I assumed that pumping during the day would be impossible, my milk supply would be compromised, and AJ would be drinking formula (and throwing it up [another post for another time]) in a matter of weeks.  Week 3 back to work is proving that I might actually be wrong about all of that.  Despite my challenges on Day 1, I've been able to manage pretty well getting 3 pumping sessions in over the work day.  Having a dedicated room is a huge help and my schedule has been pretty flexible and has allowed me to make it a priority during the day.  Based on what I have read, when you change to exclusively pumping or 'mostly' pumping versus actual breastfeeding, your supply tends to diminish.  I have been obsessing over supply since AJ was born.  Amazingly, thankfully, it was never a problem for me, even when I thought it was.  Now that I've gone to pumping, amazingly, thankfully, its still not a problem.  I am sure I am jinxing it by even writing this post, but I feel lucky that we have a substantial stash saved up in the freezer that continues to grow daily.  In fact, it kind of forced our freezer into overdrive, and we now have a second refrigerator in the garage that has become milk storage central.  I am positive that I will have nightmares about the electricity going out or some other device malfunction that will spoil what I've worked so hard to collect.  This picture does not even do it justice.

So yes, I'm married to the pump.  Yes, it dictates most of my day.  Yes, sometimes I am almost in tears because I can barley fit in 20 minutes to pump when I'm very overdue.  And yes, I am bitter about getting up to pump when AJ is sleeping an extra long stretch at night, and its my boobs that wake me up and not his fussing.  But, every time we go to the Dr and he has put on weight, I remind myself that I'm lucky enough to have given him that weight, those chubby cheeks and those chunkier-by-the-day thighs.  And that makes the obsession pretty much worth it.

It gets worse before it gets better?

Week one went pretty well.  Week 2 is off to a weak start.  Maybe its because the weather is super dreary today and its supposed to stay this way all week...but I'm having a much harder time today.

AJ (I'm giving up on not naming names) turned 3 months yesterday and so we are attempting to embark on getting him on a schedule.  This means getting him into a nighttime routine and to bed early.  This also means I only get about an hour and half with him, and thats if I leave work a bit early and get a jump on the traffic. Thats an hour and a half out of 24...maybe another hour if I feed him during one of the night feedings.  It seems so unfair that now, when he has become so smiley, and moving ever closer to being interactive, that I have to miss out on 90% of his day.  How does this work?  I just don't know how so many moms do it.  How is he supposed to learn who mommy is and create that bond when we're basically only together on the weekends?  I'm sad that 12 weeks is the generally acceptable 'bonding' time in this country.

Hilariously, I should also mention that right now AJ basically just sees me as one big nipple.  Any time we are together, he tries to suck on whatever part of me happens to be near his mouth.  My arm, my chin, my shoulder, doesn't matter.  It cracks me up actually.  But also makes me sad to see the eye contact he makes with Joe for minutes on end...while many times he won't make eye contact with me.  I think he's too young to mean anything personal by it.  At least I do get his undivided attention when I change his diaper at 4am.  I'm actually convinced that he sees my tired face and tries to cheer me up with him smiles and almost-giggles at that late/early hour.  It works. :)

Every day I look at him in awe and just wonder how we can be so lucky.  What have I done to deserve the limitless happiness that he brings?  No wonder I want to be near him all the time!  Here's to hoping next week is a bit better.

One Week Down

Well, I survived week one back to work.  As I suspected, the tired totally hit me this week...12 weeks worth.  I cannot believe how quickly the day goes once I am home.  I walk in the door at 5:30 and before I know it I'm falling asleep standing up at 9pm.  Those hours are filled with things like:
--hugging and kissing the little munchkin
--feeding, changing diapers
--eating dinner in less than 10 minutes
--pumping
--washing bottles
--washing more bottles
--pumping
--washing more bottles
--preparing breakfast and lunch for tomorrow
--making a list and checking it twice to make sure I have everything I need for work the next day
Thats about it.  Sometimes I can answer an email or two, sometimes I squeeze in a phone call on my drive home.  Anything else?  Well, to quote my long lost high school friend Francine, I'll fit everything else in "between peeing and wiping"  Graphic perhaps, but hilariously true!  I need to develop some short cuts.

By the way, the dramatic conclusion to my last post is that I did indeed end up spilling about 2 precious ounces of milk all over the carpet before that day was done.  I wanted to cry, and if I still had raging pregnancy hormones, I bet I would have.

Literal Balancing Act

So here I am sitting at my desk back at work (My it feels weird to sit at a desk!  I miss the couch!) A quick post because it seemed appropriate.
Just a little while ago I took my first "pump break".  I was feeling good, got my key to the nursing room (I'm the only one using it so can even leave my stuff in there during the day!).  I got in there, started to set up, and then I realized I forgot the bottles.  The bottles screw on to the pump so you can pump directly into them.  Kind of necessary.  Luckily I had milk storage bags with me, so with a bit of balancing and dexterity was able to pump directly into them, without spilling breastmilk all over my shiny new work pants.  And I thought I was so organized!  I better make myself a checklist for when I leave the house in the morning!

Believing

A funny thing happened this week.  I was going about my business in my non-work world when I got an email from my boss, apologizing for bothering me on leave but asking if I had time to talk "today" so that he could give me some updates.  Intriguing!  Of course I needed to know as soon as possible to stop the 75 worst case scenarios from spilling over in my brain.

We had a great call, and as it turns out, I will be going back to work with broadened responsibility; another business to manage and an expanded team.
Huh.
I suppose it should make me feel good (and it does) that the company could do a major reorganization and have enough faith in me, who has been absent for almost 3 months, to give me more.  At the same time though it has had some side effects.  Number 1, I've been thinking about work much more since I got this news. And Number 2, um, a little bit of pressure on the newly working mother don't you think??  I'm not even sure that I can handle my "old" responsibilities balanced against being a mom, and now I will have even more?  Someone out there believes that I can do it, and is confident that this is a good business decision.  Now I wonder how long it will take for me to believe it.

This is actually related to another topic of conversation that has come up since the Little One was born.  For the previous 11 years, since I started work, the goal has been to advance.  To succeed.  To continue to move forward.  Promotions have validated my efforts, and my eye has always been on the next big thing.  I've been wondering whether that will still be my goal or whether I need some time to just 'be' where I am in my career.  Maybe that would help me balance.  But even if that's what I want to do, I'm not sure I know how....  sounds funny but why would I not always want to be doing the best that I can at work?  And how do I tone it down??  There is a new book that is coming out related to moms... has to do with "good enough" being the new "perfect"...or something like that.  Yikes, that is so scary to me!

I guess I will just have to see how things go.  The bright side of these new responsibilities I am coming back to is that it is actually adding a bit of excitement to my return.  And I do think I need something like that to focus on in my transition.

Now, if I only had pants to wear ;-)

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Eleven short days from today I return to work.  You know, that other full time job that actually comes with a paycheck written in dollars rather than kisses and smiles.  The past 10 weeks have been dedicated to the Little One, basically day after day of complete and utter mommyhood bliss.  Feeding, changing, playing, lots and lots of staring.  I have been loving every single moment of being home with him but, unfortunately living in the economic bubble that is the suburbs of NY... staying home forever just isn't a viable option. Well, not if we want to do things like pay the mortgage.

Returning to work-- the commuting, the responsibility, the how-will-I-manage-all-the-extra-hours-I-used-to-work-- is the obvious change but not the only one.  I started this blog in order to write about/digest/share/hopefully make sense of the many transitions that naturally happen at time like this, and that leave me asking "how will I ever be able to fit [x] in?"  I did a pretty poor at balancing different aspects of my life before...I definitely have my work cut out for me! 

My first challenge will be how I manage to show up to work wearing something appropriate which is neither falling off of me (maternity clothes too big) nor looks painted on (my old clothes). Those are the only two categories that the contents of my closet fall into right now. Shopping is necessary, but who wants to spend $ on clothes that will hopefully not fit for very long?  Whoever said breastfeeding helps you lose weight forgot the end of that sentence.  Breastfeeding helps you lose weight to a point, and it doesn't put humpty dumpty back together in exactly the same shape!