What Success Means To Me

Did you ever have to write that essay in school about What Success Means to You?  I think we all had to write that.  I'm not going to write about success today.  Today I am going to write about what "Gross" means to me.  What I realized from motherhood is that my definition of "gross"-- much like one's definition of success-- has changed significantly over time.  Specifically in the past 8 months.  No, make that the last 17 months.

The thing is, I don't know what is actually gross anymore.  Its really hard to gross me out these days.  Ok moldy food will still do it every time, but I realized that since pregnancy began and AJ was born, there is really very little that makes me say "ew".

Here are some things that I cannot believe I now find even marginally acceptable:

• When I leave the house to run an errand and realize I have a spit up stain on my shoulder.  
• And then keep going.
• Wiping drool off of AJs chin/face/hands/clothes with my bare hands
• And then wiping it on my clothes
• Literally picking the boogers out of his nose when there is a crusty one stuck to the edge
• Describing "crusty boogers" stuck to the edge of a nose
• The very many--and precise-- adjectives I use to describe poop. 
• In public
• Not necessarily using my inside voice
• The long drip of milk that has dried on AJs wall next to his glider that I keep forgetting to wash off.

These things are just part of life now, and I can't not smile at them.  And aside from my clothes not looking so pristine, and the fact that you may not want to shake my hand anymore, I guess I figure, he is a baby, how yucky can his stuff really be? Some day he will be move into real boyhood, with dirt and worms and smelly [insert sport here] gear.  And then I think I will have a new definition of gross once again.

AJ was here

I have the legs of a 7 year old.  I literally think that 7 year old Danielle actually had FEWER bruises on her legs than I do now, and that's saying something because I was one clumsy kid.  From the knees down, my shins are littered with black and blues in various stages of purple.  I guess this is from crawling around on the floor with AJ and accidentally landing on his toys.
The best, though, are the tiny almost perfectly circular bruises that I have on my upper thighs.  One might wonder how one gets tiny almost perfectly circular bruises on one's upper thighs...  My son has very pointy toes and he loves to stand up when he is on my lap.
I still feed him in the glider, which sits next to a window.  After he is about 80% done with each bottle he takes a little break.  On his break he climbs up mommy and stands, toes pointed, on my lap, his little arms perched on the windowsill.  Its adorable really.  He gets into that position then smiles like a proud little monkey and he bang bang bangs his hands on the windowsill and the window.  He stares at the trees, maybe he sees a little of his reflection too.  Bottom line, he loves it and the kid seriously thinks he can walk.  I keep asking him, as he gets fingerprints all over the window, if he is planing his escape route.  I'm on to you little buddy!

Am I alone in this?

Do other moms forget to pee?  Because I seriously can go all day without peeing, especially on busy AJ filled weekends.  Its like I'm hopping from one thing to the next, ignoring critical body signals like hunger, thirst, and bladder relief.  Then he goes to sleep and I'm like holy moly I'm about to explode.  I can't be the only one.

Nothing is Wrong aka People are Idiots

Whoa, time flies when you are working full time and have a rapidly growing adorable baby boy!  Lets see, to sum up:

-I did not lose any milk in Hurricane Irene, despite a few hours without power.  Mother Nature must have breastfed.
-AJ is now sleeping through the night.  All of a sudden he just started to do it.  We went with it (obviously) and lovingly accept the fact that he is an early bird (likes to wake up for 6am).  I am dreading changing the clocks, but for now, we enjoy.
-I am about to leave on my first work trip in about a year.  My first trip away from my little boy.  ooof.  Just when he is starting to reach for me and hug me and hang on me... I will even miss him biting my chin for the next 4 days!

AJ's rate of growth and change is ever-quickening.  He knows the "light" now... he doesn't say it but he can identify it.  He claps hands.  I swear the other day he laid a random sock on his foot as if to say it belongs there.  Which is funny because he spends most of the time trying to take his socks off.  He enthusiastically eats all the fruits and veggies that we've tried with him.  He even loves peas.  His hair is a light light brown, and his eyes seem to be stuck on hazel.   Most people lately think he looks more like Joe.  The birthmark on his hand is getting lighter and lighter.  I'm glad for that, mainly because it bothers me when people say "Whats wrong with his hand?"

Nothing is wrong with his hand.  His hand works perfectly.  In fact I find it extra cute when he holds an object in his hand and explores it by doing this circular wrist movement that must take the coordination of a million little baby muscle fibers.  So I wish people would stop making it sound like his hand is about to fall off. Its a birthmark.  It will fade, maybe even disappear, but nothing is wrong with his hand.

I can't decide if that question bothers me more or less than when people say "does he have a tattoo?".  I wish I were kidding.  More than one ADULT has said this.  Yes.  Yes, indeed we took our infant over to Twisted Souls Tattoo on Main St. and got him some ink.

These are allegedly educated adults.  Some of which are parents, so I would think they'd have some level of particular sensitivity.  AJ isn't old enough to have his feelings hurt, but I worry about how mean kids are in school.  Maybe not right away, but eventually the mean develops.  I recognize that school is over 4 years away, so wasting worry on this is probably not the most effective use of my worry hours.  But I look at that little face and those cheeks and that dimple and all I ever want is for him to be as happy as he is when he wakes up from a nap and we go in to greet him.  Imagine we all woke up that happy every day?  That would be awesome.

Dear Irene

Dear Irene,

If you do indeed barrel up the coast and hit Long Island (which I am still not convinced will happen, but it does make for lots of media fodder) and we lose electricity, and the ample milk supply that is currently frozen solid in my freezer spoils, you will be responsible for my death.  I trust you do not want that on your Category whatever conscience.

All the best,
Danielle

Just a crush

You may or may not know that ever since she was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, I've had a total girl-crush on Brooke Burke.  If you've seen her, you may not believe that she has had children.  What a rock star.  Anyway, she also has a blog all about mom stuff.  And today she posted this which I thought was just really sweet.  A week or so after AJ was born I told Joe that I didn't realize how much he loved me until we had AJ.  Our whole world changed, especially how we look at each other.  We've grown closer every day since we've become parents, and I know we are lucky because thats not always the case.

The Art Of A Good Marriage

Wilferd Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end
with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

Details

We just returned from a great family vacation, where AJ got to spend lots of time with his grandparents and uncles and aunt, and of course with Joe and I.  What a treat it was for me to be around him day in and day out for an entire 9 days!  Total heaven.  As a result, yesterday coming back to work was a little harder than usual.  When I got home last night I realized how big he really is getting and how much more expressive and full of personality he is becoming now that he is almost 6 months old.  There are the physical differences-- he's taller (longer?), his hair is almost all grown in, he has great control over his hands and arms and grabs at EVERYTHING now-- and the personality differences-- he knows what he wants  (to be held) and what he doesn't want (pears, bananas, squash) and he will let you know it!  He is really transitioning into a little person, our little person.

Our nanny starts today.  A week home with Joe before he goes back to work so that she can  learn our routine and get to know AJ better.  Today I think Joe realized what kind of a transition this is going to be for him, and he is sad.  Which is in turn making me sad all over again for him and for me.  It was one thing to leave every day and know AJ was home with his dad.  Now, at this expressive and fun age we are turning responsibility over to someone else.  I feel like the hours in a day just shrunk even more, as Joe and I will both be rushing home at night to get some precious limited time with our little guy.

In thinking about this I realized how many of the women I know are actually stay at home moms.  The raw number is not high but as a percentage of total women with kids that I'm friends with, it is high.  The grass is always greener, I'm sure, and calculating it out for the 200th time wouldn't change the fact that its financially pretty impossible for one of us to stay home.  I am also jealous of the Canadians, since I learned that standard practice there is a one year maternity leave (but they also have Justin Beiber, so I guess we break even).

When I envisioned having kids, I didn't know enough to think about the little things that would make me smile on a daily basis.  Like AJ becoming so adept at eating rice cereal, noticing how his reaction to his reflection in the mirror has changed over time, and noticing when he notices something new, like shadows.  I never thought of the details and certainly never imagined the pure joy that is buried in them.  Everything else seems unimportant, as evidenced by my writing this at my desk at work when my to-do list is multiple pages.

And now I have to go make myself look presentable for a meeting I have in 20 minutes.  AJ didn't get my ugly crying genes, thankfully!