Moo

So one of the challenges of coming back to work was going to be how and whether breastfeeding would survive.  In my typical fashion, I assumed that pumping during the day would be impossible, my milk supply would be compromised, and AJ would be drinking formula (and throwing it up [another post for another time]) in a matter of weeks.  Week 3 back to work is proving that I might actually be wrong about all of that.  Despite my challenges on Day 1, I've been able to manage pretty well getting 3 pumping sessions in over the work day.  Having a dedicated room is a huge help and my schedule has been pretty flexible and has allowed me to make it a priority during the day.  Based on what I have read, when you change to exclusively pumping or 'mostly' pumping versus actual breastfeeding, your supply tends to diminish.  I have been obsessing over supply since AJ was born.  Amazingly, thankfully, it was never a problem for me, even when I thought it was.  Now that I've gone to pumping, amazingly, thankfully, its still not a problem.  I am sure I am jinxing it by even writing this post, but I feel lucky that we have a substantial stash saved up in the freezer that continues to grow daily.  In fact, it kind of forced our freezer into overdrive, and we now have a second refrigerator in the garage that has become milk storage central.  I am positive that I will have nightmares about the electricity going out or some other device malfunction that will spoil what I've worked so hard to collect.  This picture does not even do it justice.

So yes, I'm married to the pump.  Yes, it dictates most of my day.  Yes, sometimes I am almost in tears because I can barley fit in 20 minutes to pump when I'm very overdue.  And yes, I am bitter about getting up to pump when AJ is sleeping an extra long stretch at night, and its my boobs that wake me up and not his fussing.  But, every time we go to the Dr and he has put on weight, I remind myself that I'm lucky enough to have given him that weight, those chubby cheeks and those chunkier-by-the-day thighs.  And that makes the obsession pretty much worth it.

It gets worse before it gets better?

Week one went pretty well.  Week 2 is off to a weak start.  Maybe its because the weather is super dreary today and its supposed to stay this way all week...but I'm having a much harder time today.

AJ (I'm giving up on not naming names) turned 3 months yesterday and so we are attempting to embark on getting him on a schedule.  This means getting him into a nighttime routine and to bed early.  This also means I only get about an hour and half with him, and thats if I leave work a bit early and get a jump on the traffic. Thats an hour and a half out of 24...maybe another hour if I feed him during one of the night feedings.  It seems so unfair that now, when he has become so smiley, and moving ever closer to being interactive, that I have to miss out on 90% of his day.  How does this work?  I just don't know how so many moms do it.  How is he supposed to learn who mommy is and create that bond when we're basically only together on the weekends?  I'm sad that 12 weeks is the generally acceptable 'bonding' time in this country.

Hilariously, I should also mention that right now AJ basically just sees me as one big nipple.  Any time we are together, he tries to suck on whatever part of me happens to be near his mouth.  My arm, my chin, my shoulder, doesn't matter.  It cracks me up actually.  But also makes me sad to see the eye contact he makes with Joe for minutes on end...while many times he won't make eye contact with me.  I think he's too young to mean anything personal by it.  At least I do get his undivided attention when I change his diaper at 4am.  I'm actually convinced that he sees my tired face and tries to cheer me up with him smiles and almost-giggles at that late/early hour.  It works. :)

Every day I look at him in awe and just wonder how we can be so lucky.  What have I done to deserve the limitless happiness that he brings?  No wonder I want to be near him all the time!  Here's to hoping next week is a bit better.

One Week Down

Well, I survived week one back to work.  As I suspected, the tired totally hit me this week...12 weeks worth.  I cannot believe how quickly the day goes once I am home.  I walk in the door at 5:30 and before I know it I'm falling asleep standing up at 9pm.  Those hours are filled with things like:
--hugging and kissing the little munchkin
--feeding, changing diapers
--eating dinner in less than 10 minutes
--pumping
--washing bottles
--washing more bottles
--pumping
--washing more bottles
--preparing breakfast and lunch for tomorrow
--making a list and checking it twice to make sure I have everything I need for work the next day
Thats about it.  Sometimes I can answer an email or two, sometimes I squeeze in a phone call on my drive home.  Anything else?  Well, to quote my long lost high school friend Francine, I'll fit everything else in "between peeing and wiping"  Graphic perhaps, but hilariously true!  I need to develop some short cuts.

By the way, the dramatic conclusion to my last post is that I did indeed end up spilling about 2 precious ounces of milk all over the carpet before that day was done.  I wanted to cry, and if I still had raging pregnancy hormones, I bet I would have.

Literal Balancing Act

So here I am sitting at my desk back at work (My it feels weird to sit at a desk!  I miss the couch!) A quick post because it seemed appropriate.
Just a little while ago I took my first "pump break".  I was feeling good, got my key to the nursing room (I'm the only one using it so can even leave my stuff in there during the day!).  I got in there, started to set up, and then I realized I forgot the bottles.  The bottles screw on to the pump so you can pump directly into them.  Kind of necessary.  Luckily I had milk storage bags with me, so with a bit of balancing and dexterity was able to pump directly into them, without spilling breastmilk all over my shiny new work pants.  And I thought I was so organized!  I better make myself a checklist for when I leave the house in the morning!

Believing

A funny thing happened this week.  I was going about my business in my non-work world when I got an email from my boss, apologizing for bothering me on leave but asking if I had time to talk "today" so that he could give me some updates.  Intriguing!  Of course I needed to know as soon as possible to stop the 75 worst case scenarios from spilling over in my brain.

We had a great call, and as it turns out, I will be going back to work with broadened responsibility; another business to manage and an expanded team.
Huh.
I suppose it should make me feel good (and it does) that the company could do a major reorganization and have enough faith in me, who has been absent for almost 3 months, to give me more.  At the same time though it has had some side effects.  Number 1, I've been thinking about work much more since I got this news. And Number 2, um, a little bit of pressure on the newly working mother don't you think??  I'm not even sure that I can handle my "old" responsibilities balanced against being a mom, and now I will have even more?  Someone out there believes that I can do it, and is confident that this is a good business decision.  Now I wonder how long it will take for me to believe it.

This is actually related to another topic of conversation that has come up since the Little One was born.  For the previous 11 years, since I started work, the goal has been to advance.  To succeed.  To continue to move forward.  Promotions have validated my efforts, and my eye has always been on the next big thing.  I've been wondering whether that will still be my goal or whether I need some time to just 'be' where I am in my career.  Maybe that would help me balance.  But even if that's what I want to do, I'm not sure I know how....  sounds funny but why would I not always want to be doing the best that I can at work?  And how do I tone it down??  There is a new book that is coming out related to moms... has to do with "good enough" being the new "perfect"...or something like that.  Yikes, that is so scary to me!

I guess I will just have to see how things go.  The bright side of these new responsibilities I am coming back to is that it is actually adding a bit of excitement to my return.  And I do think I need something like that to focus on in my transition.

Now, if I only had pants to wear ;-)

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Eleven short days from today I return to work.  You know, that other full time job that actually comes with a paycheck written in dollars rather than kisses and smiles.  The past 10 weeks have been dedicated to the Little One, basically day after day of complete and utter mommyhood bliss.  Feeding, changing, playing, lots and lots of staring.  I have been loving every single moment of being home with him but, unfortunately living in the economic bubble that is the suburbs of NY... staying home forever just isn't a viable option. Well, not if we want to do things like pay the mortgage.

Returning to work-- the commuting, the responsibility, the how-will-I-manage-all-the-extra-hours-I-used-to-work-- is the obvious change but not the only one.  I started this blog in order to write about/digest/share/hopefully make sense of the many transitions that naturally happen at time like this, and that leave me asking "how will I ever be able to fit [x] in?"  I did a pretty poor at balancing different aspects of my life before...I definitely have my work cut out for me! 

My first challenge will be how I manage to show up to work wearing something appropriate which is neither falling off of me (maternity clothes too big) nor looks painted on (my old clothes). Those are the only two categories that the contents of my closet fall into right now. Shopping is necessary, but who wants to spend $ on clothes that will hopefully not fit for very long?  Whoever said breastfeeding helps you lose weight forgot the end of that sentence.  Breastfeeding helps you lose weight to a point, and it doesn't put humpty dumpty back together in exactly the same shape!